They gave their child a brand-new car when the kid turned 16. Within a year, the car was totalled. So, what did the parents do?
You guessed it. They bought the child an even more expensive new car.
I understand the desire to give your children a better life than you had, especially if you grew up poor, suffered, or endured trauma. But there is a difference between giving your child a good life and an easy life.
Giving someone an easy life doesn’t do them any favors in the long run. Infantilization doesn’t help someone learn, grow, and be ready for the realities of life.
We need to work hard.
We need to learn value.
We need some struggles.
We need to understand consequences.
We need to learn about accountability, respect, and compassion.
I’m always surprised when I discover that friends completely cover everything for their children, never tell them no, give them whatever they want, and never expect that they contribute in any way. I have friends whose children have never had jobs, never paid for anything, and never helped out around the house with chores.
Even after these children became adults, they still lived in the home rent-free, never paid for groceries, never helped cook meals, drove cars provided by the parents, and went on fancy vacations around the world covered by the parents.
I guess we’ll see later, but I suspect these kids are going to have a rough time adjusting to real life once they graduate from college, move out, and have to get the first real jobs of their lives.
We raised our children differently
When our kids were younger, living at home, and going to school, I was making pretty good money in my tech career. We could have given them anything and everything they wanted, but we did not.
Yes, we provide a home, food, clothing, and covered most of the things they required for their education and life. But they all had part-time jobs during high school. If they wanted to buy stuff and have fun adventures, they covered it with their income (e.g., video games, toys, movies with friends, etc.).
My wife and I both grew up without money. We had to work hard during college to pay rent, cover bills, and afford food (never enough food!). That struggle made us value things a lot more. It also forced us to be adults (imagine that), create budgets, be responsible, and learn about delayed gratification. If we wanted something special, we had to put in more hours, save up, and find a way to make it happen. We couldn’t just ask Mommy and Daddy for it.
We had watched what happened when friends were given whatever they wanted and never learned about responsibilities and accountability. Hell, we still know some of these people (in our 50s now), and they are still screwing up their lives. They never really grew up, and it shows.
So, we didn’t want that to happen to our children. They had chores, jobs, and contributions to make to the household. Sure, there were times they needed some additional financial help. It’s getting harder and harder to get by in this country as a young person (hell, it’s hard for all of us!). But we never just gave them money. Instead, we gave them interest-free loans, and guess what? They have all paid us back every time.
All of my children have traveled internationally.
My daughter traveled to France and Iceland.
My oldest son went to Ghana and is now in Australia.
My youngest son traveled to Germany, France, Italy, and Japan.
Every single one of them paid for their own trips.
They worked hard, made tough decisions, saved up, and covered it themselves. And because of that, they valued those trips and memories way more than if we had forked over the money for their travels.
Sorry, I tend to brag about my kids. I just think they are amazing young people, and I’m so happy with how they turned out. My wife deserves the credit for that! She’s an amazing mother.
It is tempting
As I mentioned earlier, it is so tempting to give your children everything you didn’t have. I grew up poor, and I watched other kids get stuff I could only dream about. So, when I was finally making good money, it was so tempting to buy everything and cover everything for my children. I didn’t want them to go without, struggle, and feel bad.
But giving into that temptation would have kept them from growing into their full potential as resourceful, hardworking, and responsible young adults.
You don’t have to look far to see what happens when wealthy families spoil their children. I don’t even think it requires wealth, per se. Some people go into crazy debt to give their kids everything.
However, it never seems to turn out well…
I go into more detail in this podcast episode. So, scroll up, hit play, and check it out!
Larry Cornett, Ph.D. | Empowerment coach, psychologist, nature lover, and fitness freak. I help you escape the “hustle trap” to create an empowered life that fits who you are and what you want most. From Silicon Valley exec to self-employed entrepreneur, I’ve also followed this path to freedom, so now I can help others find their way.
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