Why I Stopped Trying to be Confident (Issue 139)
It isn't something you can pursue directly
Have you noticed how confidence works backwards?
You don't wake up one day and decide “I’m going to be confident today!” any more than you can tell yourself, "Just be happy, you sad little clown!"
Instead, confidence (like happiness) is the quiet byproduct of other changes and improvements you make in your life.
The shift isn’t dramatic.
It’s quite subtle.
It kind of sneaks up on you.
You don’t feel a sudden surge of confidence one morning. You just notice you’ve stopped feeling insecure, unhappy, and unfulfilled. It's almost a moment of, "Huh… When did that happen?"
The meaningful boost in my self-confidence was certainly the byproduct of other changes and improvements in my life. I don’t think my confidence was terrible before, but it wasn’t amazing either. In my teens and 20s, I remember trying to do things to look, feel, and behave more confidently (e.g., how I walked, talked, and interacted with others). It was so superficial, and, of course, it didn’t really work.
Then, I got busy with life (and matured a little), so I gave up on the whole “confidence-building game” and stopped reading the usual articles recommending confidence hacks. However, I was investing in actual self-improvement, career growth, and leadership development.
For example:
I overcame my fear of public speaking, thanks to a workshop and numerous speaking activities and events. Now, I actually enjoy public speaking.
I invested in my career development, and as a result, I was promoted multiple times in just a few years.
I worked with executive coaches to support my leadership development (and now I coach leaders!).
I started working out and eating healthier, lost 40 pounds, and got into the best shape of my life (I still exercise almost every day).
If I had to put my finger on the feeling that resulted from all this, it would be that I felt capable. I felt very capable in my job and my personal life. I felt like I could handle almost anything that was thrown at me.
The boost in my self-confidence was the side effect of these investments in my personal and professional development. And, it has been a lasting change (at least for the last 15 years of my life).
I still wouldn’t say that I woke up one morning and said, “Wow! I guess I feel confident now!” It’s more like I realized I no longer felt unconfident, insecure, nervous, or worried about what other people thought of me. I felt pretty secure in who I am, what I do, and how I live.
I’m certainly not saying I feel like I’m the smartest, strongest, most talented person in the world who is excellent at everything he does. Instead, it’s more like I don’t care that I’m not the smartest or best at everything. I really don’t. I’ve made peace with who I am and what I’m capable of doing. I feel like I’m enough.
Is that really what confidence is? Perhaps so.
I believe most of us would like to feel more confident in both our work and personal lives. However, my advice for you would be to focus on changes and improvements that are more foundational and lasting, rather than relying on tricks and hacks to “fake it till you make it.”
Thinking back on your life, do you remember a positive change that improved your self-confidence? I would love to hear about it in the comments!
Would you like to develop a plan to invest in your personal growth and empowerment? You can book a free call with me to learn more.
I’m Larry Cornett, an Empowerment Coach who works with ambitious people to help them reclaim their power, become more invincible, and create better opportunities for their work and lives. Do more of what you love and less of what you hate!
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