š” Weāre Taught How to Work, But Not How to Love (Issue 156)
Navigating the most important relationship in life
āMarry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.ā
ā H. Jackson Brown Jr.
How often do marriages end in divorce? Well, the statistics show us that:
43% of first marriages end in divorce
60% of second marriages
73% of third marriages
Given these horrific failure rates, you might think we would help young people navigate the complexity of this incredibly important relationship. Perhaps even providing courses in high school and college? Butā¦Ā nope.
Our educational system promises to prepare us for life, but it focuses mainly on preparing us to work. Sure, I took a few supposedly life-focused courses when I was younger. In junior high, I was required to take one semester of shop class to learn how to use tools, build and repair things, and finish one major woodworking project. The following semester, we took a home economics class to learn how to shop for food, cook meals, and do basic sewing.
Youāll notice I did not mention a few of the other critical life skills listed below. Why? Because no school I attended offered to help me learn how to:
Choose the right person as a life partner
Manage conflict in your most important relationships
Prepare and file income tax returns
Negotiate with others successfully (in healthy ways)
Purchase a car without getting ripped off
Maintain a vehicle and avoid getting ripped off by dishonest mechanics
Buy a home without getting screwed
Find honest and skilled service providers for home repairs
Live with difficult roommates
Deal with predatory landlords
Interview for jobs and negotiate offers
Itās funny that weāre never even trained in that last skill, especially since college is supposedly all about preparing us for a profession that will take us through our working lives. We all know that jobs come and go dozens of times, so weāll be interviewing a lot in our lifetimes. You will probably even change professions a few times. You will most likely pivot your career at some point before retirement (if you can ever afford to retire).
So, our educational system spends a ton of time preparing you for something so unstable that what you learn is almost outdated immediately. Yet, it doesnāt offer any courses to help you with the most important decision you will make in life. One that will permanently affect you. Itās a decision that will impact your life way more than a career choice.
And that is choosing a life partner and making that relationship work. Navigating all the complexities of communication, support, love, decision making, finances, family dynamics, etc.
Weāre just expected to bumble and stumble through it. No wonder so many relationships fail.
Iām not saying I have all the answers, but my marriage has lasted almost 35 years. Unfortunately, we worked through things the hard way. We certainly would have benefited from therapy and counseling back when we were struggling the most.
Long-term relationships are never easy. Human beings tend to make any interpersonal relationship challenging. Such is our nature.
So, my recommendation is this. Donāt wait until things inevitably reach a boiling point. Donāt assume you have magically effective communication skills that will save your relationship, only to find out you donāt. I wish we all had been taught these skills at a young age, but Iām guessing most of us never were (I sure wasnāt). So, take the initiative to invest in your educationĀ now,Ā which will help you navigate thorny relationship issues later.
Take courses (e.g., Gottmanās solutions for couples)
Seek personal therapy
Find a good marriage counselor
Gain the skills youāll need to make your relationship happier and healthier now so you can weather the storms that show up later.
Schedule a complimentary call with me and letās chat!
Iām Larry Cornett, Ph.D., an Empowerment Coach who works with ambitious professionals to help them reclaim their power, become more invincible, and create better opportunities for their work and lives. Do more of what you love and less of what you hate! š Check out my Invincible Daily Journals. I have one specifically for Summer!
