One Thing That Makes People Easier to Control Later in Life (Issue 183)
Empowerment begins and ends early
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”
Alice Walker
I was talking with a young parent recently. They were lamenting the fact that their child had entered the “terrible twos” and was becoming stubborn and challenging.
I reassured them that this would pass, but I also told them this was a good and necessary developmental phase. I said, “Everything that makes this more challenging for you will help them become stronger, more empowered adults. Even though it is hard now, you will be glad later.”
On the flip side, every time you teach your child that they dare not question authority (e.g., you, teachers, coaches, priests, politicians, police), you make them more susceptible to control and abuse later in life.
If you punish them for being independent and challenging you, they will learn to give up. They will bow down to stronger people who want to bend them to their will later.
My life experiences
I was a lucky child. I grew up in a loving home, and my parents encouraged my independence and curiosity. They also taught me that I would not be punished if I told the truth. If I did something wrong and informed them about it first, we worked together to fix the problem.
I remember when I accidentally broke a neighbor’s window and went home to tell my father about it immediately. I was so scared that he would be angry and punish me. But he was not, and he did not. Together, we returned to the neighbor’s house, and he asked me to tell the man what had happened. I agreed to pay for the repair (I earned some money from my paper route and mowing lawns), and that was that.
That experience left an impression on me I never forgot.
I’m not saying that they didn’t discipline me or punish me sometimes. Yes, that happened. But they gave me the gift of trusting me, believing in me, and supporting me. My parents also taught me that I should not blindly obey authority figures. They did not believe that wealth, positional authority, or power meant that someone was better than others. They taught me to be proud, hardworking, and confident, even though I grew up poor.
I can remember more than one occasion when my parents locked horns with teachers, principals, superintendents, coaches, police officers, and even the wealthy people in our town (who thought they were better than everyone else). I watched my parents believe my word, stand up for me, argue with these people, and win those arguments.
Hell hath no fury like a parent whose child has been mistreated or threatened.
All of this made me feel empowered, willing to fight for myself, and driven to get what I wanted out of life. Yes, I often reported to bosses during my career, but I refused to be deferential to them. I never could stand observing obsequious behavior at work, and I sure as hell would not be that way myself.
I know my pride got me into trouble a few times (e.g., cursing back at a CEO who thought they could get away with shouting and cursing at me), but I didn’t care. I would rather walk away from a job than kiss someone’s ass. Eventually, I grew weary of the corporate politics, chose self-employment, and left that world forever.
Unlike some of my childhood friends, my parents didn’t beat my willful independence out of me. I am forever grateful for that, and I remembered that lesson later in life when I became a parent.
Yes, it is hard
Of course there were moments when our children drove us crazy. They could be headstrong and challenging. They questioned us and asked for justifications for many of the things we requested they do (e.g., eating their dinner, brushing their teeth, wearing a seatbelt, going to bed).
That’s a normal human being discovering their young independence and power.
The worst thing you can do is punish them for being strong and confident. The weakest thing you can do is say, “Because I told you so!” The most damaging thing you can do is beat their independence out of them.
I distinctly remember my wife and I talking about this one day, many years ago when our children were toddlers. We literally said, “Yes, this is making our life harder. But wow, I admire their fierce spirit! If we crush this now, someone else will find it easier to control them later.”
Of course, that didn’t mean we let them run wild and control the household. But it did mean that we took the time to explain the “why” behind our requests and things we expected them to do.
Did they always like it? Of course not.
We also looked for opportunities for them to feel in control and exert their young power.
Asking them to make choices and decisions.
Letting them say “No” to some things.
Letting them push back when it made sense.
Respecting their autonomy.
Now, our children are in their 20s, and we are so proud of the adults they have become. They are confident, willing to go after what they want, able to push back on bosses, and not afraid to ask for what they need from partners. They don’t put up with any crap, and I’m so happy to see how strong they have become.
All is not lost
Even if something happened in life to damage your sense of control and empowerment, you can regain it. There are steps you can take to rebuild your power and confidence.
And there are things you can do to sustain your empowerment and let no one take it away again.
Want to talk with me about investing in your personal empowerment? You can always schedule a complimentary call.
Larry Cornett, Ph.D. | Empowerment coach, psychologist, nature lover, and fitness freak. I help you escape the “hustle trap” to create an empowered life that fits who you are and what you want most. From Silicon Valley exec to self-employed entrepreneur, I’ve tested this path to freedom so you don’t have to.
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