💡 Life Tip - Handling Passive-Aggressive People (Issue 105)
💡 Life Tip - Handling Passive-Aggressive People (Issue 105)
Shine a light on it
When I was younger, I tolerated way too much passive-aggressive behavior from other people. I encountered a bit of it in my personal life, but a lot at work.
Bosses who would use snarky comments trying to change my behavior.
Coworkers who were unhappy about something but were too afraid to come out right out and state it clearly.
Colleagues who would undermine me and my team with comments made to other colleagues.
I couldn’t stand it. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves.
If you have a problem with a situation or a person, have the courage and ethics to raise the issue, discuss the facts, and resolve the conflict respectfully. Don’t be passive-aggressive. Don’t stab someone in the back.
After leaving the corporate world in 2010, I haven’t encountered nearly as many passive-aggressive people. Unfortunately, my clients, friends, and loved ones still have to deal with this problem. I hear their stories all the time.
Now, my recommendation is to shine a light on passive-aggressive behavior immediately and stop tolerating it.
When you put up with it, it damages your emotional well-being. When you tolerate it for too long, the passive-aggressive person often wages a smear campaign behind your back to tarnish your reputation (e.g., “Can you believe he did that? Isn’t he terrible?”).
When someone behaves like this, you can immediately address it without becoming angry or stirring up conflict. Bring it up with the honest intention of resolving the underlying issues and trying to understand their point of view. More often than not, your relationship with this person will improve after having this conversation. I have certainly experienced that.
For example, if someone is being passive-aggressive with me, I’ll follow this rough script:
“You seem upset with me. Have I done something that bothers you?”
They will often deny this and try to deflect or change the conversation. Don’t let them.
“Okay, you say you’re not upset. But when you said ABC, that tells me you have an issue with XYZ. I want to understand more about that. Seriously, I really do.”
They may finally come clean and talk about what is actually bothering them. If they don’t, keep working to get them to open up. But, if they will never be honest about it, let them know you don’t appreciate the passive-aggressive comments and won’t tolerate them.
“I see. I guess you don’t want to share what is really bothering you. That’s fine, but please don’t speak to me that way again. I find it hurtful.”
If you did do something wrong (even unintentionally), you can apologize and find a way to set things right. Let them know that you’re okay with them directly telling you if something bothers them in the future.
If you did nothing wrong, do not apologize. Explain that there might have been a misunderstanding, and you’re sorry they are upset, but you are in the right. Make it clear why your words or actions are not the problem. Do not back down.
If they are playing games, do not tolerate it. State the facts, be clear about what you said or did, be clear about what they said or did, and calmly explain why they are wrong and how their behavior is inappropriate.
In some cases, you may need to have a third party mediate the conversation. Bring the facts to the table and let the mediator help you both resolve the situation. But be clear that the passive-aggressive games are over, and everything will be discussed openly and honestly.
I remember one time this happened to me in the workplace. We eventually met with a mediator who listened to both sides of the story and explained that what I did was the correct decision and action. The passive-aggressive party was simply wrong.
Sadly, I made an enemy that day, but through no fault of my own. I was calm and professional. More importantly, I showed I would not tolerate someone being passive-aggressive and trying to undermine me.
You don’t need to put up with people behaving badly.
Shine a light on it and do your best to resolve the problem calmly and professionally. No matter how it turns out, you can walk away with your head high instead of letting their passive-aggressive actions impact your peace of mind.
I’m Larry Cornett, a Freedom Coach who works with you to optimize your career, business, and life. My mission is to help you become a more "Invincible You" so you can live your life on your terms instead of being controlled by someone else's rules. I live in Northern California near Lake Tahoe with my wife and our Great Dane.