💡 Celebrating 34 Years of Marriage (Issue 124)

Choose your "hard"

There’s no such thing as an “easy marriage.”

My wife and I just celebrated our 34th anniversary. We haven’t stayed together this long because it's been easy. We’ve certainly had our ups and downs, and we’ve had to work hard at it.

We know folks who gave up when their marriages were no longer easy or hit a rough patch. They started dating new people and gleefully shared how fun, easy, and exciting their new partners were. Uh-huh…

Lo-and-behold, years later, they started complaining that these new relationships were now hard, too. The honeymoon was over. Welcome to real life!

Choose your hard. Yes, working on your marriage is hard. But getting divorced is also hard. Starting over again is hard. Being alone for the rest of your life can be hard.

Note: I’m absolutely not saying people should stay in a bad marriage or abusive relationship, no matter what. But there is a huge difference between a bad marriage and rough spots in a typical marriage.

---

Good things are often hard

Good things are never a “set it and forget it” experience.

• You don’t get into shape and coast for the rest of your life. If you want to be fit and healthy, you still have to exercise every day. Sorry!

• You don’t finish your education and never crack a book again for the rest of your life. If you want to be informed and make wise decisions, you must be a lifelong learner (hint: only watching FOX News isn't the answer).

• You don’t date someone, win their heart, get married, and stop working on your relationship. If you want a good marriage that lasts, become lifelong friends who work hard to grow together and care for each other forever.

“A strong marriage requires loving your spouse even in those moments when they aren’t being lovable; it means believing in them even when they struggle to believe in themselves.”
– Dave Willis

Lessons learned

Yes, we’ve been married for a long time. We’ve raised three amazing children together, lived in multiple states, traveled the world, enjoyed having more money than we thought we’d have after growing up poor, and have finally learned to live more simply with less money because being happy and healthy is more important than material possessions.

Four years ago, I wrote a much longer article about the lessons learned from 30 years of marriage. But I want to share a few things here that we’ve learned over the past 34+ years:

• Allow each other to grow and change. Your partner will not be the same person you married years ago. You will change, too. Embrace it and grow together instead of trying to lock them into a vision you have of that person you first met.

• Genuinely want the best for each other. A marriage shouldn’t be one-sided or selfish, where one partner gets what they want, and the other acts as a fan club.

• Remind your partner what you appreciate about them. It’s easy to get into a habit of only pointing out flaws and times you are upset or disappointed. Try to recognize the good moments, too. Let your partner know when you see those good things.

• Don’t be shy about sharing the fun and quirky things you love about them. When you’ve been with someone for a long time, you assume they know what you love about them. But everyone loves to hear what someone else likes about them, especially the unique things you notice.

• Remember the little things that make your partner happy and find ways to give that to them. For example, my wife loves sunsets. So, if we are somewhere where we can catch the sunset at the right time, I look for a way to do that.

• Celebrate the little wins for each other. Life is busy, and we often focus on the big bad things while brushing off the small good things. Take time to celebrate! When your partner has a small win, take them out for a nice lunch, buy a little gift, or do something special. I’m a big believer in celebrating your wins every week.

• Fall in love with them again every day. Try to see your partner with fresh eyes. Remember why you love them and let yourself fall in love again daily.

• Appreciate your differences versus trying to make your partner be more like you. All too often, people marry someone with a little plan to change them in the back of their mind. They want them to be more like this and less like that. They want them to enjoy what they enjoy and do what they want to do. Yes, there will be some of that if you’re compatible. But don’t try to reshape your partner into the image of someone you desire. Love who they are!

• Give your partner time and space to do the things they enjoy. This goes along with the previous point. When your partner enjoys stuff you may not enjoy, you may choose to join them sometimes. For example, my wife loves sunsets and will go out of her way to experience them. I like them well enough, but they aren’t a big deal for me. But sitting and enjoying them with her doesn’t bother me. However, there may be other stuff I don’t like at all (e.g., shopping for shoes), so I’ll head off and wander through a bookstore while she looks at shoes.

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but sometimes, the good things require working through some hard things. The good things in life are rarely easy to acquire without some hard work. Choose your hard!

---

I’m Larry Cornett, a Freedom Coach who works with ambitious professionals to help them reclaim their power, become invincible, and create new opportunities for their work and lives. Do more of what you love and less of what you hate!

📕 Check out my new The Invincible Daily Journals!